VERTICLAN: THE ILLFATED DEADLY DEATHS - YIKES!
Jiatian Yuan, Alisa Lu, Akshara Taraniganty
i. Coughmilkstar Introduces VertiClan
verticlan
we are cats
we are clan
we eat rats
coughmilkstar
cat i am
leader of
verticlan
echofart
my loyal mate
brings me rat
which i ate
mitkit
my favorite child
brings me fish
makes me smile
spitkit
other child
his spit is
simply vile
boohbahkit
who is he
another child
yes, we have three.
pushyfart
our enemy
from liliclan
(she hates me)
depressedstar
verticlan’s past leader
now in starclan
her guidance, i need her
ii. Interlude
So begins the tragic tale of the ill-fated deadly deaths of our noble leader, Coughmilkstar. May we honor her and her valiant leadership with this memorial of her nine passings.
1. In Which Coughmilkstar and Echofart have too much Tex Mex
Only thanks to Coughmilkstar’s relentless work did VertiClan see peace, what with the disputes between Boohbahkit and Spitkit, the echoing of Echofart’s flatulence, the struggling tweeting plaguing the clan, among other terrifying occurrences from the clan.
Coughmilkstar had seen many long days on the job, but this one was different.
She returned to her den, heaving a sigh of fatigue. She moped toward the door, prepared to throw herself onto the ground and take a nap.
But when she opened the door, she was met with a surprise… an escape from the mortifying ordeal of existence…
Coughmilkstar was instantly drawn in by the burritos, tacos, and fajita scattered all over the ground.
“Hey, you nacho,” Echofart smiled. “Wanna have some Tex Mex?”
Coughmilkstar dug in, face first into the tacos. After the tacos came the burritos. And the salsa. And the beans. And the fajita…
And finally, death.
Our dearest Coughmilkstar, leader of VertiClan, overindulged in Tex Mex. This is a precautionary tale to all the kits out there: too much Tex Mex means death.
iii. Interlude
it is i, coughmilkstar
leader of verticlan
today i have died
i must talk to starclan
starclan tells me,
“bad coughmilkstar!
too much tex mex
you went too far”
depressedstar speaks
“your first life taken in pain”
her voice i seek
“another 8 remain”
alas, i am revived!
to my clan i return
am grateful for life
for there is much to learn
2. In Which Excessive Tex Mex Indulgence leads to Echofart’s Flatulence
i return to reality
there i see echofart
crying for me
i have broken her heart
but her heart i repair
because i am risen!
i jump up with much flare,
“i am released from death’s prison!”
echofart is surprised
she is very scared
for though i am alive
she believed my life was not spared
in a combination of overindulgence,
tex mex, and shock,
echofart lets out loud flatulence
we did not even talk
after her shock comes mine;
her fart scares me greatly.
i tell her, “i am not fine.
you are very stinky.”
and so i died
and from then on i knew
that from echofart’s farts, i must hide
for they are loud and stinky; it’s true.
3. In Which Echofart’s Loyalty Goes Too Far
Echofart, deeply regretful for her flatulence, sought out on a mission: not only to relieve Coughmilkstar of her stress properly, but also to apologize for her devastating fart.
And so she sought out to find the yummiest rat for Coughmilkstar to eat. Though she had brought Coughmilkstar countless rats in the past, this one needed to be special.
Echofart travelled far and wide to find the perfect rat to satisfy Coughmilkstar’s needs. Through tundra, grasslands, marshes, she finally found it. The vermin’s whiskers trembled and its body swelled as it sensed a threatful presence—the presence of Echofart.
Echofart leapt, confining the rat to a cage formed by her claws. She slashed at its body, watching it turn limp. “Perfect,” she thought. “Coughmilkstar will love eating this rat.”
She presented the rat to Coughmilkstar. It was unlike any rat that she had ever seen in the past!
“I’m so hungry. I need a rat now!” she pleaded, pawing desperately at the air.
And so Coughmilkstar devoured the rat.
Her eyes began to water as she took a bite. “What a yummy rat,” she mumbled. She began to choke. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, and her world went black.
4. In Which Coughmilkstar Asphyxiates in a Hole Between Two Hills
coughmilkstar
ate too much rat
if i no run
i shall grow fat
need to work out
in that case
i have found
a workout place
two round hills
like twoleg butt
in between them
a deep rut
i run down
the steepest hill
cannot stop
crash i will
ow my body
ow my feet
ow my neck
i cannot see
why cannot see?
i am stuck
in groundhog hole
deep in the rut
try to get out
but cannot
inside rut-hole
i shall rot
body too wide
from rats i ate
cannot breathe
i suffocate.
5. In Which Coughmilkstar Slips on Spitkit’s Spit and Succumbs to a Basilar Skull Fracture
spitkit spits
on the ground
slip on spit
i fall down
break my neck
and my back
break my head
skull goes crack
slippery spit
made me fall down
spitkit, dont spit
on the ground!
6. In Which Coughmilkstar Bravely Battles the Opposing Clan
pushyfart
of liliclan
set a claw
on my land
pushyfart
is such bad!
trespassing
makes me mad
i hiss at her
she hisses back
she growls at me
and attacks
claws and teeth
fur and blood
my face is ground
into the mud
front paw slash
belly rake
my life pushyfart
does take 🙁
7. In Which Two Of Coughmilkstar’s Children Commit Matricide
so i have
two cool kits
their names are
boohbah and mit
anyways i
love my kits
(except for spitkit
because he spits)
together they
like to plot
i wonder what
they plot about
oh no they were
plotting about me
i guess i’m kind of
flattered, heehee
they approach me
laughing out loud (lol)
then they kill me
spitkit is not proud
(because of this murder)
(obviously)
(he is embarrassed of them)
(i’m dead)
8. In Which Coughmilkstar Swallows A Dead Fish Whole and Suffers From Esophagus Fissures
mitkit is sorry
so she brings me a dish
she has gone fishing
and found a dead fish
where do i put
this fish, i ask
mitkit is confused
nothing rhymes with ask
the fish is pretty
what a surprise
i am glad that mitkit
tried to apologize
i eat the fish
goes into esophagus
i get esophagus fissures
that kind of really sucks
mitkit brings me water
but to no avail
her plan to save me
will undoubtedly fail.
i am dead again
lol
idk what to write here
coughmilkstar is dead again
9. In Which Mitkit Tries to Revive Coughmilkstar With Milk But Coughmilkstar Coughs on Milk
Coughmilkstar’s esophageal fissures had been too severe for even StarClan to heal. Unable to eat without yowling in pain, VertiClan’s formerly brawny leader wasted away until nothing covered her bones except fur, skin, and hollow dreams.
Coughmilkstar laid motionless in her den. She stared at the walls through glassy eyes and overgrown locks of matted fur. There was nothing to do now but wait for her ninth and final life to slip out of her feeble grasp.
Suddenly, Coughmilkstar heard a knock at the entrance of her den. With great effort, she raised her head. “StarClan?” she muttered. “Have you come to claim me at last?”
“Mother, it’s just me.” Mitkit crouched beside the entrance, dragging a large leaf behind her. “I brought you something.”
Mitkit positioned the leaf beside her mother’s moss bedding. A pearly white liquid rippled in the leaf.
“I brought you some milk, mother.”
Coughmilkstar sighed. “Mitkit, I appreciate your kindness, but you know I can’t swallow anything.”
“Yes, I know, but… I was hoping you could drink some milk. Just a little bit.” Coughmilkstar looked into her daughter’s pleading face. The tears glistening in her wide eyes made Coughmilkstar’s heart twinge. She couldn’t let down her daughter.
“Alright, then. Just a little bit.”
Coughmilkstar gingerly brought her face to the rim of the leaf and lapped up a bit of milk. The refreshing warmth, the creamy taste— for the first time in days, Coughmilkstar felt a vigor course through her nearly bare bones. She took another greedy gulp, and another, and another.
Then, she swallowed.
It was like Lionstar himself had set her throat ablaze. Her esophagus burned as nourishing milk coursed in rivulets along her esophageal fissures. She couldn’t swallow anything else, so she coughed. The violent motions racked her feeble frame.
Coughmilkstar could not stop coughing on milk.
In the end, Coughmilkstar, in her compromised condition, coughed herself straight to StarClan.
Coughmilkstar, you will always be remembered as the noble, just leader of VertiClan. Every time we welcome a new member or purr in italics, we know that you are watching over us from StarClan.
