ryan gosling’s burgers
By Jonas Rindegard
alright so real quick i just wanna get this off of my chest so here goes but so today i was standing in line for some food at the five guys burger place and i’m chilling and waiting right but then this little dude decides he wants to cut just ahead of me so i’m up in his face like bruh whatchu doing and all that and he just stands there like an idiot and i forgot his name but he was in some classes of mine in grade school and he always scored just a little bit higher on tests than i did so he always rubbed me the wrong way so anyway i tap him on the shoulder and wouldn’t you know he punches me right in the kisser which kind of hurts a bit since i dunno if you know this but thats slang for mouth and mouths are generally pretty sensitive and i was especially pissed since i was gonna use my mouth to eat a delicious burger but now it felt like there was gonna be some bruising or something which makes that more difficult but so after this guy punches me i sit there stunned a minute like you do and bam right there i slap his face and before you know it wow we’re full on fighting which gets pretty intense after a while and all these other people are watching us eating their burgers and fries and those peanuts that they have before you get your order and oh man that just makes me more hungry so anyway me and this dude were fighting and well it turns out one of the guys watching the whole thing was a cop so he comes in to break it up and well i guess in the heat of battle you kinda lose sight of who you are so i kinda kicked him in the shin and he folds over in tears and i look down and oopsie daisy i forgot i was wearing my steel-toed combat boots which makes sense as to why he was hurt so much and well lets just say you don’t wanna get on the bad side of the police force cuz they will hunt you down to the end of the earth or something like i’ve seen serpico so i know what i’m talking about and so i disengage with this little guy who cut in front of me and not because he was kicking my ass but because i had to run from this cop who was gonna call in backup any minute now so i sprint out the door and look for my car but lo and behold there’s a big buff looking dude on a harley davidson motorcycle and those bad boys can get you on the road as far as vegas in a pinch with style to spare so with the adrenaline in my veins i push this dude off his bike and while i see the little dude and that corrupt looking cop go for the door to follow me i drive off into the sunset except well it wasn’t really sunset yet it was still midday and i was hungry so i figure well i’ll find some food on the way but i kid you not there’s a cop car in front of every single five guys in the area cuz i guess cops love those perfect burgers but dammit i only wanted five guys so i figured i’d have to wait till at least nightfall or until i crossed state lines because i decided then and there i had to flee the state if not the country because you don’t want assaulting an officer on your record especially in this area cuz as i said i’ve seen serpico ok so i know all about corrupt cops and so i’m driving up towards vegas cuz i figure if i’m gonna be a criminal i might as well live with others of my kind in that hub of villainy and vice cuz i’ve also seen fear and loathing in las vegas so i know what i’m talking about except i haven’t read the original book but i figure it’s about the same so i head there and i drive and then i drive some more but then i have to get gas for my stolen motorcycle so i go to the arco which i’m pretty sure works for motorcycles too but idk since the writer doesn’t know what he’s talking about so anyway i’m there and refueling and i go inside and who do i see in line with a couple packs of twinkies and beef jerky but ryan gosling the actor and i’m geeking out because wow he’s so cool i’ve seen the nice guys so i know what i’m talking about so i walk up to him and i’m still so surprised and i say hi to him but then he turns to me and he grabs his nose and pulls it off because apparently it was a mask all along and underneath it was the cop i kicked earlier and so i scream and instinctively kick him in the shin and wow i was still wearing my steel-toed combat boots i guess so he welps again and folds over and i’m in shock because that seems like lazy writing that the same strategy would work both times but who am i to judge so i run without paying my gas bill because i’m a hardened criminal now and i continue my path to vegas before i realize i was going the whole wrong way and now i’m at a beach near the mexican border and i was nearby because i could see the atmosphere become yellow as i crossed the border because i’ve seen breaking bad so i know what i’m talking about so now i’m in an intensely yellow filtered mexico which seemed too easy to cross into but oh well who am i to judge so i cross over and i realized then and there that i didn’t have any money on me which seems like it was a big oversight on my part cuz i was sure i didn’t leave my wallet at five guys or the gas station so i didn’t have it to begin with so how i was ever going to originally buy those delicious five guys burger delights i’ll never know but luckily for me as i passed into town there was a blind old beggar who seemed to have accumulated some cash and now that i was a cartoonishly hardened criminal i saw no wrong in taking all his money and punching him so i roll into town with some new cash and there’s a hotel there that looks pretty ok so i head in and they tell me one night costs $15.61 which seems oddly cheap and specific and strange so i check my pockets and wouldn’t you know it i have exactly $15.61 and i hand it over and the hotel clerk tells me that today is their special offer where every 23rd customer gets a free box of weasels and i’m shocked i tell you since that seems like a very specific and maybe too obvious of a chekhov’s gun sorta thing but i take him up on that and i got some new weasels yay and i head up to my room and lie down a bit and before i can really get some sleep i hear the whirring of choppers and i look out my window and wow it’s the goddamn cops looking for me cuz that movie serpico was right about everything but it doesn’t quite make sense since there’s no way they feasibly have jurisdiction here but who am i to judge and anyway these guys are piling into my room from the windows and the door so i unleash hell in return to protect myself right and i just keep kicking them in the shins cuz somehow that keeps working even when they have armor on i guess but who am i to judge but man oh man there’s just too many of them for even my steel-toed combat boots to take on so i unleash the chekhov’s gun of boxed weasels on them and man oh man those weasels were so cute but they could still bite you pretty hard and man oh man when they latched onto those cops it was a bloodbath but not that much of a bloodbath that i’d have to censor anything or have to revise this to be less violent but so me and my steel-toed combat boots and my army of not-that-extremely-bloodthirsty weasels were taking these guys down left and right and we won eventually because prolonged fight scenes are hard to write so it was all wrapped up pretty neatly and by the time it’s done the hotel clerk kicks me out for causing a ruckus which doesn’t seem fair since it was mostly the cops and the weasels but who am i to judge so i leave and head downtown on my bike looking for another place to stay before it dawns on me that if the cops will follow me everywhere i need to get a new identity so i go to the identity store and bought one because i was in a seedy area and that’s a thing they have in seedy areas ok and so now i’m untraceable so i can relax a bit but how can i relax when i look down the street and who do i see but the star of the nice guys alongside russell crowe it was ryan gosling the canadian actor extraordinaire and i walk up to him and pull on his nose but he reassures me and says “don’t worry i’m not a cop in a mask this time it’s really me ryan gosling the actor from the nice guys the criminally overlooked masterpiece you really like but no one else seems to have watched and needs a sequel twitter make it happen please” and wow does that reassure me so i ask what he’s doing here and he tells me “oh this is where i buy all of my nose candy” by which i know he means hard drugs the writer isn’t sure he can name here but i’ve seen fear and loathing in las vegas so i know what i’m talking about and so he asks if i know any good places for food around here cuz he has the munchies and i say five guys cuz i was still craving their perfect burgers but then i realize they don’t have those in mexico i think but wouldn’t you know it ryan gosling the actor reaches in his pockets and lo and behold two five guys cheeseburgers with a large cup of fries that’s overstuffed and overflows into the bag because that restaurant is really generous like that and he says “oh yeah i was saving this for later but we can share and eat this now i guess” so i sit down with ryan gosling as we watch the overly yellow-tinted sunset fall on the mexican horizon and we eat those tasty five guys burgers and fries together and yeah i guess it was a pretty good day.
also i have to confess but i haven’t actually seen serpico i just read the synopsis on imdb.